A Month After

The thing is, I posted I wasn’t happy where I was before… Now I am.

I quit my job, I had to leave my job, the spark I once had, the initiative to love my work had vanished. I was pent up, torn up, full on raging, I wasn’t happy.

Being with the boyfriend (whom I have been seeing for the past 9 years) seemed the most important thing, because he was the only thing that got me through my depression, it place a huge toll on him and our relationship. I hated Manila though, all the smog and pollution… I again decided I had to leave.

So I left, with all the fireworks of my birthday and the biggest events. I felt like I was needed, and I felt the love of my crew, but I had to leave. I had made my decision, feeling needed wasn’t going to pay the bills anymore.

I took a month off thinking about work, and got dropped down in  the center of my family that just became twice it’s size. My lola got sick before I even arrived and I still went vacationing around the country. I feel selfish and ungrateful for all the love my parents have shown me and the support they’ve given my family. I feel like I’ve disrespected them by siding on the wrong area…

I’ve never been totally been okay, since I left my job… My job was me, it has been me for the past 3 years, especially last year when all my thoughts were that. I’m finding my self now, I’m trying to live without struggling too much. My decisions are not always good.

I don’t have a wrap up message, but I’m just gonna end it here.

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“Pretty Much”

Right now, my life is “pretty much”ok, pretty much disasterous, pretty much boring, pretty much awesome,  pretty much aright, pretty much it is what it is.

I’m just pretty much being pretty much alive.  #latersbabe

It’s the New Year

It’s the “NEW YEAR”, okay so I’m writing this one month late from January but here’s the thing, I am not happy.

I had a list of things to happen once it became January 2016:

  1. Get a pay raise
  2. Loose weight
  3. Learn frekkin German
  4. Get a tattoo (i think this is most doable)
  5. my boyfriend talking to….
  6. look for a nice space to live cos hell no do i want to live in my current condo or in his house but because of budgeting reasons (look at point one), I will have to settle to living with our families
  7. hoping to see one of my bestfriends more often
  8. be happy again.

It’s a great list!  I fell apart. None of this has happened. none. so I’m not moving forward, no #pazapaz for me, because there IS no step forward. currently I instead am :

  1. for the lack of better word, painting to become happy.
  2. trying to learn frekkin german
  3. going to my job early even though being underappreciated is taking it’s toll
  4. got my tatt. 😛

half the list so far and it’s only February, maybe it’s not sooo bad

 

Is this ME? (Alcoholism)

A few weeks ago, I got dengue and I had fever over 40, for 9 days… and though my platelets barely dropped, being that sick for so long did things to my internal organs.  My LIVER  got affected, it swelled up, and it affected my kidneys, and giving me the risk diabetes.

Last Sunday, we had a friends’Christmas party and I didn’t drink because I’m trying to be clean and healthy after my health scare.

I drink, I love to drink! It relaxes me, it let’s me be in a different state of mind, it lets me be without inhibitions.

I’ve realised that when I’m in social situations, I depend on my liquid courage. I usually don’t talk or laugh or open up to anyone without alcohol  in my system… I think I’m even mean and rude without alcohol.

My boyfriend says I have a big heart, which I know I do, it’s just been hurt by the world too much that it’s easier to be closed off from people and use alcohol  as an excuse to be silly and child-like.

Since I’ve stopped drinking (it’s been a month, to date… I’ve acquired a few new hobbies, reading comic books, exercising, tv shows, more interest in the lives of my family and boyfriend.

I think this is a start of a new life for me, I still really like to drink but I don’t know,               Life seems better without being by a bottle.

Morning, morning thoughts

“I think therefore, I am.”

I woke this morning, and I was in complete bliss, my life was perfect; then I really woke up, and my day started.

I know this is not a new thought for everyone, but I really thank God, that I get to wake up, move my limbs, get in that shower and go to a job that let’s me do where my heart is and get paid doing it. 

I’m not one of those lucky ones though who get to travel, yet I know I’m lucky enough to be able to think what I want to do, and somehow find my way to it. I have determination in what I do, and conviction, and a lot of people don’t have that, I do though…

#sarapngbuhay

Underrated & Overwhelmed 

i need to chill out.

Stressed out, spaced out, undeniable whirl of judgment and distress.

Fleeting feelings are underrated, thoughtless words unspoken,  forgotten sentences not finished, broken glass shattered to spill blood of a heart so pure in other’s thoughts.

Underrated, thoroughly berated. Broken bones, thrown by stones. Shattered confidence, naive by ignorance.   Wishful negligence, selective patience.

A heart thought pure, is a reason to hurt it.  A tainted heart known to have troubles is a reason to protect it.   A heart full of love is a reason to break it, A heart that does not love, needs to be understood.

life is life; it always changes, you need to adapt to it, if you don’t then you’re a milksop and dude, that’s namby-pamby.

Self what worth?

Every girl knows to be “pleasing”, all girls know how to be “nice”. It’s a switch so easy to turn on and off, it’s almost as easy as blinking.

Then there are these women who are little girls, who never grew up, who believe they were really meant to be princesses and marry their prince charming. These girls don’t know when to turn it off, they believe this how they should act all the time, and it really is embaressing for the other people to watch or in the worst case, accept them.

I love to work, I love breaking my back, and toughing it out. I like to strive for something and show I’m worth more than my mestiza looks.

I’m proud on who I have to be, rather than who I already am.

TRAINWRECK

FRIDAY, MAY 29, 2015

Trainwreck

On my tracks here I go,
look at me, no one stops me,
I run, I rail, I flow, I go.
The tracks run hard and deep,
something in me resonates a thousand blinks.
Something shouldn’t be so strong and hard,
it envelopes me and shudders my very core of being lively.
I am strong, I think,
I can resist, I think,
Yet my heart does a double beat,
skips a third, and does a double-back flip.
My shoulders shudder hard,
my back unhinges,
the crease that usually furrows is lost.
I secretly can’t stop smiling, I shouldn’t get lost.
I am unhinged, as hard and as strong a train on a railroad,
falling of the bridge, to the tracks of nowhere lead.

TOUGH LUCK FOR LIL’ OL’ ME

MONDAY, MAY 11, 2015

Tough Luck for Lil’ Ol’ Me

Deep does mind  go,

reflecting on what I was told.
Once I hear, I always keep,
all those words once thrown to me.
It could be good, it could be bad,
if I cared about you, then I’d listen,
if it meant something, then I’d fix it.
Intentions of your heart matter not to me,
I do with my thoughts, whatever I please.
My thoughts are my own, my body is everything that makes me be.
My skin holds me in, but my feelings over flow, from the tips of my toes,
to the locks of my hair, down to my very big butt below.
Reactions, distractions, forget that I’m here,
I am my own woman, I firmly believe that,
although I found my other half, I am completely me.
My heart is my soul, and my mind is my voice.
I love myself, all that is, and whatever I believe loves me.