It’s February of 2017; I’m okay.

Last year January, I expected everything would change on it own, and it did not.

I had to make that change happen, albeit I quit my job that I loved but it didn’t love me, I moved back to my hometown on my own decision, and everything I expected to happen didn’t happen.

My lola passed away, before I really had any time to spend with her. My boyfriend and I were not married, or engaged, I thought my siblings were selfish because they never had time to hang out with me. All my bestfriends were too busy to hang as well, or they left the country. I had no steady job except of that with my father. (like chef life work is more than 10 hours, my pop’s was a solid 6-8.)

I felt I was dumping alot on my Father and Rapha, I felt like they were the only ones I could talk to or could understand me. I felt like I didn’t really have a home because I got myself stuck  from going back and forth from Bacolod to Manila almost every weekend, until my spontaneous trip with a friend that I said “YES” to,  not that I planned it but I realised I had to take matters into my own hands and stop expecting the world to move around me to push me to do things for me and to me.

I did take matters into my own hands, I went on trips every week, I enjoyed working for my Pop, I created my own type of meats, I spent time with my siblings and their kids, I hung out with friends on their own time whenever they could because of their schedules, I genuinely cared about the lives of other people and what they meant to me and I thanked my Pop and Rapha for being there for me profusely. I also got close to an old highschool friend of mine, and he helped me build my personality back, made me stop being dependent or expectant on the people around me and basically kicked my ass when I was being a sap  and because he was a Chef too, I was open to his harshness and took his criticism, well we fought constantly but I accepted it.

When I “got back” to Manila my then-boyfriend proposed to me, and it’s still surreal! Everything I was hoping for, everything I was scared about, everything that made me cringe on the inside was moving forward and then I didn’t know how to deal with it, but I like him ALOT, and instead of him being my lifeline and marriage being the only way for my then-boyfriend to live was me; he proposed when I didn’t need a lifeline, when I was okay and I was sure of myself.

  • I also got new job by the way, it’s my 3rd week now, and things are looking up
  • I’m still friends with everyone from my old job
  • My fiancé and I are now semi-planning the wedding
  • I have a bestfriend, the type who will drop anything and everything (within reason, like doesn’t cause you your job or money)
  • I’m friends with all my old friends from highschool
  • The only thing I do regret is, I’m not any closer to my mom, and I feel like it’s something that I cannot fix but just accept. 😦

 

So, it’s always been #pazapaz for me, meaning #stepbystep tractor2016 was rough, and a blessing but it had to happen. 

 

 

 

 

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6 Months After

I’m doing okay! Haha I’m not great  but I’m OKAY.

The lowdown: (the highup if you’re being positive?)

  • I’ve found ways to deal with my now-large family.
  • I have a steady income under my Pop (which I’m leaving to go to Manila next month(yes, i know, i’m going back)).
  • My boyfriend and I are on a steady place, I think I know this. (but we are definitely good)
  • I do odd food-related jobs for extra pay.
  • I go on spontaneous out-of-town trips.
  • I’ve finished my goal for my Pop
  • Everyone loves my tatt. 😉
  • I recently went on an overnight trip with good friend, and he made me realise that I came home to get my personality back! and I Did! 🙂
  • I do ALOT of cringe-worthy things and it’s okay, because I am human and I make mistakes. 🙂
  • Things don’t have to be “grab or never” but “mmm, yeah I should and I will.”

I know I’m not a 100% okay since my lola passed away, and it was the hardest on me, because my old job was my priority, and I didn’t give her enough of my attention, my lola will never be around again for the big moments in my life.

I do miss the people in my old job, but we all have to move on and take solace and happiness wherever it shines on us.

I am spontaneous. I am free. I am a happy person. I am my own person. I have my pride in myself and that is good! img_2295-3Life is good.

 

A Month After

The thing is, I posted I wasn’t happy where I was before… Now I am.

I quit my job, I had to leave my job, the spark I once had, the initiative to love my work had vanished. I was pent up, torn up, full on raging, I wasn’t happy.

Being with the boyfriend (whom I have been seeing for the past 9 years) seemed the most important thing, because he was the only thing that got me through my depression, it place a huge toll on him and our relationship. I hated Manila though, all the smog and pollution… I again decided I had to leave.

So I left, with all the fireworks of my birthday and the biggest events. I felt like I was needed, and I felt the love of my crew, but I had to leave. I had made my decision, feeling needed wasn’t going to pay the bills anymore.

I took a month off thinking about work, and got dropped down in  the center of my family that just became twice it’s size. My lola got sick before I even arrived and I still went vacationing around the country. I feel selfish and ungrateful for all the love my parents have shown me and the support they’ve given my family. I feel like I’ve disrespected them by siding on the wrong area…

I’ve never been totally been okay, since I left my job… My job was me, it has been me for the past 3 years, especially last year when all my thoughts were that. I’m finding my self now, I’m trying to live without struggling too much. My decisions are not always good.

I don’t have a wrap up message, but I’m just gonna end it here.

Is this ME? (Alcoholism)

A few weeks ago, I got dengue and I had fever over 40, for 9 days… and though my platelets barely dropped, being that sick for so long did things to my internal organs.  My LIVER  got affected, it swelled up, and it affected my kidneys, and giving me the risk diabetes.

Last Sunday, we had a friends’Christmas party and I didn’t drink because I’m trying to be clean and healthy after my health scare.

I drink, I love to drink! It relaxes me, it let’s me be in a different state of mind, it lets me be without inhibitions.

I’ve realised that when I’m in social situations, I depend on my liquid courage. I usually don’t talk or laugh or open up to anyone without alcohol  in my system… I think I’m even mean and rude without alcohol.

My boyfriend says I have a big heart, which I know I do, it’s just been hurt by the world too much that it’s easier to be closed off from people and use alcohol  as an excuse to be silly and child-like.

Since I’ve stopped drinking (it’s been a month, to date… I’ve acquired a few new hobbies, reading comic books, exercising, tv shows, more interest in the lives of my family and boyfriend.

I think this is a start of a new life for me, I still really like to drink but I don’t know,               Life seems better without being by a bottle.

Morning, morning thoughts

“I think therefore, I am.”

I woke this morning, and I was in complete bliss, my life was perfect; then I really woke up, and my day started.

I know this is not a new thought for everyone, but I really thank God, that I get to wake up, move my limbs, get in that shower and go to a job that let’s me do where my heart is and get paid doing it. 

I’m not one of those lucky ones though who get to travel, yet I know I’m lucky enough to be able to think what I want to do, and somehow find my way to it. I have determination in what I do, and conviction, and a lot of people don’t have that, I do though…

#sarapngbuhay