Wander Wonder

I am currently in my new job for 3 months now, I fall in and out of love with it everyday. Everyday has new challenges and sometimes it’s just clear disappointments.  I am missing my old job, even though I clearly had my heart on my sleeve for it and yet it didn’t love me back, I miss it. I miss the heat, the pressure, the challenge, the razor sharp fear of loosing my job and myself to my job.  (whew! intense)

I’m gonna tell my events backwards and forwards now:

  • My pop got a stroke scare, I am thinking of moving back home to take over the meat shop
  • They say when you get engaged, all these temptations jump out, and by george is it true…. Ive had so many indecent proposals by very very very very cute guys, though only one actually got me to text back because of industry purposes.
  • YES I HAVE REMAINED LOYAL and TRUE to my one and only man incase you were wondering.
  • I think I’m playing a game in life, I’m not sure where I am really.
  • I REALLY DON’T BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE, and I’M ENGAGED.
  • My mom sucks for being mean, I mean she tells me one thing and goes around in  circles, confuses me and then just leaves me whenever it concerns the wedding.
  • My sister is always playing a game too, like I wish her cards could be all out in the open.
  • My brother’s wife is really dear to me, but she’s not making it any easier for my brother,  like it always comes down to making him choose between his old family and his new one, and my brother doesn’t see it even if I’ve told him a million times na.
  • I think my fiancé will leave me. Like I have a bigger fear of loosing him now more than we were just dating.

FUck being engaged.

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It’s February of 2017; I’m okay.

Last year January, I expected everything would change on it own, and it did not.

I had to make that change happen, albeit I quit my job that I loved but it didn’t love me, I moved back to my hometown on my own decision, and everything I expected to happen didn’t happen.

My lola passed away, before I really had any time to spend with her. My boyfriend and I were not married, or engaged, I thought my siblings were selfish because they never had time to hang out with me. All my bestfriends were too busy to hang as well, or they left the country. I had no steady job except of that with my father. (like chef life work is more than 10 hours, my pop’s was a solid 6-8.)

I felt I was dumping alot on my Father and Rapha, I felt like they were the only ones I could talk to or could understand me. I felt like I didn’t really have a home because I got myself stuck  from going back and forth from Bacolod to Manila almost every weekend, until my spontaneous trip with a friend that I said “YES” to,  not that I planned it but I realised I had to take matters into my own hands and stop expecting the world to move around me to push me to do things for me and to me.

I did take matters into my own hands, I went on trips every week, I enjoyed working for my Pop, I created my own type of meats, I spent time with my siblings and their kids, I hung out with friends on their own time whenever they could because of their schedules, I genuinely cared about the lives of other people and what they meant to me and I thanked my Pop and Rapha for being there for me profusely. I also got close to an old highschool friend of mine, and he helped me build my personality back, made me stop being dependent or expectant on the people around me and basically kicked my ass when I was being a sap  and because he was a Chef too, I was open to his harshness and took his criticism, well we fought constantly but I accepted it.

When I “got back” to Manila my then-boyfriend proposed to me, and it’s still surreal! Everything I was hoping for, everything I was scared about, everything that made me cringe on the inside was moving forward and then I didn’t know how to deal with it, but I like him ALOT, and instead of him being my lifeline and marriage being the only way for my then-boyfriend to live was me; he proposed when I didn’t need a lifeline, when I was okay and I was sure of myself.

  • I also got new job by the way, it’s my 3rd week now, and things are looking up
  • I’m still friends with everyone from my old job
  • My fiancé and I are now semi-planning the wedding
  • I have a bestfriend, the type who will drop anything and everything (within reason, like doesn’t cause you your job or money)
  • I’m friends with all my old friends from highschool
  • The only thing I do regret is, I’m not any closer to my mom, and I feel like it’s something that I cannot fix but just accept. 😦

 

So, it’s always been #pazapaz for me, meaning #stepbystep tractor2016 was rough, and a blessing but it had to happen. 

 

 

 

 

Life Motto—> #pazapaz

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

’Lord, I’m not praying for miracles and visions, I’m only asking for strength for my days. Teach me the art of small steps.

Make me clever and resourceful, so that I can find important discoveries and experiences among the diversity of days.

Help me use my time better. Present me with the sense to be able to judge whether something is important or not.

I pray for the power of discipline and moderation, not only to run throughout my life, but also to live my days reasonably, and observe unexpected pleasures and heights.

Save me from the naive belief that everything in life has to go smoothly. Give me the sober recognition that difficulties, failures, fiascos, and setbacks are given to us by life itself to make us grow and mature.

Send me the right person at the right moment, who will have enough courage and love to utter the truth!

I know that many problems solve themselves, so please teach me patience.

You know how much we need friendship. Make me worthy of this nicest, hardest, riskiest and most fragile gift of life.

Give me enough imagination to be able to share with someone a little bit of warmth, in the right place, at the right time, with words or with silence.

Spare me the fear of missing out on life.

Do not give me the things I desire, but the things I need.

Teach me the art of small steps…

Amen

6 Months After

I’m doing okay! Haha I’m not great  but I’m OKAY.

The lowdown: (the highup if you’re being positive?)

  • I’ve found ways to deal with my now-large family.
  • I have a steady income under my Pop (which I’m leaving to go to Manila next month(yes, i know, i’m going back)).
  • My boyfriend and I are on a steady place, I think I know this. (but we are definitely good)
  • I do odd food-related jobs for extra pay.
  • I go on spontaneous out-of-town trips.
  • I’ve finished my goal for my Pop
  • Everyone loves my tatt. 😉
  • I recently went on an overnight trip with good friend, and he made me realise that I came home to get my personality back! and I Did! 🙂
  • I do ALOT of cringe-worthy things and it’s okay, because I am human and I make mistakes. 🙂
  • Things don’t have to be “grab or never” but “mmm, yeah I should and I will.”

I know I’m not a 100% okay since my lola passed away, and it was the hardest on me, because my old job was my priority, and I didn’t give her enough of my attention, my lola will never be around again for the big moments in my life.

I do miss the people in my old job, but we all have to move on and take solace and happiness wherever it shines on us.

I am spontaneous. I am free. I am a happy person. I am my own person. I have my pride in myself and that is good! img_2295-3Life is good.

 

Coming to Terms with Reality

Where I am right now:

I moved back to Bacolod temporarily. I quit my job. My boyfriend and my dog are in Manila. I don’t really have a car. My Lola is in the hospital. I have to get used to letting someone know where I’m going. I don’t have my own kitchen with my asian spices and herbs.

I am a butcher apprentice, I work magic with my hands and I didn’t know it was possible. 😊 I am grateful that I get to spend time with my parents. I am happy that I am getting to know my niece and nephew. I am happy that I can help my pop with his work and slowly give back to him whAt he has given me after 26 years. I am happy that I am cooking again, challenging myself with new and different concepts. I am traveling Around the Philippjnes, different week, different beach.

I am happy I don’t live alone anymore and that everything I did depended on my job and everything left of me was my job. I am learning to relax again… And this time I’ll balance job and life, then I can face everything again. 🦄🦄🦄

A Month After

The thing is, I posted I wasn’t happy where I was before… Now I am.

I quit my job, I had to leave my job, the spark I once had, the initiative to love my work had vanished. I was pent up, torn up, full on raging, I wasn’t happy.

Being with the boyfriend (whom I have been seeing for the past 9 years) seemed the most important thing, because he was the only thing that got me through my depression, it place a huge toll on him and our relationship. I hated Manila though, all the smog and pollution… I again decided I had to leave.

So I left, with all the fireworks of my birthday and the biggest events. I felt like I was needed, and I felt the love of my crew, but I had to leave. I had made my decision, feeling needed wasn’t going to pay the bills anymore.

I took a month off thinking about work, and got dropped down in  the center of my family that just became twice it’s size. My lola got sick before I even arrived and I still went vacationing around the country. I feel selfish and ungrateful for all the love my parents have shown me and the support they’ve given my family. I feel like I’ve disrespected them by siding on the wrong area…

I’ve never been totally been okay, since I left my job… My job was me, it has been me for the past 3 years, especially last year when all my thoughts were that. I’m finding my self now, I’m trying to live without struggling too much. My decisions are not always good.

I don’t have a wrap up message, but I’m just gonna end it here.

“Pretty Much”

Right now, my life is “pretty much”ok, pretty much disasterous, pretty much boring, pretty much awesome,  pretty much aright, pretty much it is what it is.

I’m just pretty much being pretty much alive.  #latersbabe

It’s the New Year

It’s the “NEW YEAR”, okay so I’m writing this one month late from January but here’s the thing, I am not happy.

I had a list of things to happen once it became January 2016:

  1. Get a pay raise
  2. Loose weight
  3. Learn frekkin German
  4. Get a tattoo (i think this is most doable)
  5. my boyfriend talking to….
  6. look for a nice space to live cos hell no do i want to live in my current condo or in his house but because of budgeting reasons (look at point one), I will have to settle to living with our families
  7. hoping to see one of my bestfriends more often
  8. be happy again.

It’s a great list!  I fell apart. None of this has happened. none. so I’m not moving forward, no #pazapaz for me, because there IS no step forward. currently I instead am :

  1. for the lack of better word, painting to become happy.
  2. trying to learn frekkin german
  3. going to my job early even though being underappreciated is taking it’s toll
  4. got my tatt. 😛

half the list so far and it’s only February, maybe it’s not sooo bad

 

Is this ME? (Alcoholism)

A few weeks ago, I got dengue and I had fever over 40, for 9 days… and though my platelets barely dropped, being that sick for so long did things to my internal organs.  My LIVER  got affected, it swelled up, and it affected my kidneys, and giving me the risk diabetes.

Last Sunday, we had a friends’Christmas party and I didn’t drink because I’m trying to be clean and healthy after my health scare.

I drink, I love to drink! It relaxes me, it let’s me be in a different state of mind, it lets me be without inhibitions.

I’ve realised that when I’m in social situations, I depend on my liquid courage. I usually don’t talk or laugh or open up to anyone without alcohol  in my system… I think I’m even mean and rude without alcohol.

My boyfriend says I have a big heart, which I know I do, it’s just been hurt by the world too much that it’s easier to be closed off from people and use alcohol  as an excuse to be silly and child-like.

Since I’ve stopped drinking (it’s been a month, to date… I’ve acquired a few new hobbies, reading comic books, exercising, tv shows, more interest in the lives of my family and boyfriend.

I think this is a start of a new life for me, I still really like to drink but I don’t know,               Life seems better without being by a bottle.